Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
is that a dick in a sweater?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
