turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
