You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
