just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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