I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Too much gin, very little bucket
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
