If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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