I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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