Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
