Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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