Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
