i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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