I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
