Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
