Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
