i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
