When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
