Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
