So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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