Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
