Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
