I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
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