Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
