I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
