I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
