so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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