Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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