I didn't shave. On purpose
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
