How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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