Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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