Welp...herpes.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
