EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
