I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
