If that was your dad, he is hot
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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