just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
