I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
