i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
