my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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