I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
