My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
