I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
