Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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