if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
