I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
