the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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