I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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