I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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