my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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