Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
