a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
