Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
