So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
