So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
