you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
